I used to hate how hot and sweaty and sticky and disgusting I’d get every day in Saigon merely by walking outside for more than 5 minutes. Now I don’t experience this very often at all, despite the weather perhaps being even worse now.

These are my secrets for avoiding feeling sweaty and sticky in Saigon

Secret #1: Baby Powder

You want to put baby powder everywhere, and by everywhere I mean EVERYWHERE, and by EVERYWHERE I mean your balls, buttcrack, lower back, armpits and anywhere else that collects sweat.

You can buy baby powder at any convenience store and you can easily test it’s effectiveness by putting baby powder on only one armpit one day and seeing what the difference in sweat is by the end of it.

I don’t go outside for more than 5 minutes without putting baby powder on.

Secret #2: Proper clothing

Black denim is about the dumbest possible thing you can wear in Saigon, and I would know, since that’s what I used to wear all the time.

Denim is one of the thickest fabrics, you want cotton instead which is far cooler and lets the air come through. Chinos are generally made from cotton. If you don’t own any non-denim pants then get your life together. Go down to a tailor and get them to make you the best fitting pair of pants you own for less than you’d pay for the cheapest trousers at Target.

Same goes with shirts, cotton is your best bet.

In terms of colours, what do you think?

Yep, black is the worst, you’ll want lighter colours instead. White is the best, but how on earth anyone keeps white clothes white is beyond me, so if you’re a rookie like me, just go any lighter colour.

For shoes, the more surface area it covers, the worse. With a motorcycling boot being about the worst you could do, and something like loafers or boat shoes or volleys being the best.

If you want to wear the Vietnamese rice farmer’s hat too to provide yourself some shade, go ahead, set a trend.

Secret #3: Shower 3+ times a day

Because why the hell not.

Secret #4: Be a snob about where you go

If it’s not in District 1, do you really need to go there? Really? It seems highly suspect that anything important is outside the District in which I live.

And if the restaurant or bar a friend invites you to doesn’t have air conditioning, simply refuse to go. That friend clearly doesn’t like you much and it was about time you ditched the toxic relationship anyway.

Your next actions: